Weltschmerz

This week has been a bit of a challenge for me. Emotionally, I have been feeling on edge, fragile and overwhelmed by things I usually handle and approach with my usual can-do-attitude; physically I have been tired, weak, with dizzy spells, missing my energetic, lively body that carries me through life every day. Logically, I know it is most likely the time of the year, the Christmas blues and fighting God knows how many germs I am subjected to on a daily basis. I know it will pass, as certain as Spring will come in all its glory, those luscious smells, those pastel colours, that tentative warmth of sunshine that lets you wear a t-shirt outside for the first time in months. It’s not like me to dwell on things – I always have another plan if one doesn’t work out. Hope never fails me, it never has. However, this week has felt differently. Maybe it is a virus. Maybe it is Holocaust Memorial Day, highlighting the horrors of my country’s dark history and the pain I feel for all its victims. Maybe it is the problems of my students, which I carry with me and think about, more than I probably should. Maybe it is the worry about Brexit, and the uncertainty it holds for me. Maybe it is just ‘Weltschmerz’, lamenting the inadequacy of the state of the world, a feeling of carrying the problems of the world on one’s shoulders. Maybe it is all those changes and challenges I have set for myself in the next year. Knowing that I am the maker of my own fate, luck and misery is a heavy burden. Who knows. I don’t. Whilst I can hear sirens of German police cars in my head, simultaneously to the snoring of my baby boy, I am aware that the reality on hand and the reality of my head are two different things. It’s never as bad as it seems. Change will come and create a new reality. Dark clouds will pass and make space for light. I am grateful for those challenging times, not now, but in hindsight. They make me appreciate those moments of brilliance, when my world turns in the right direction, when the puzzle pieces click together. There is always tomorrow and next week. It will be ok.